"Hello my name is _______."

Why ministry is as much (more) about trusting God with people as people trusting God

A few years ago I experienced what I hope is a low point in serving others.

I was in a hotel room crying my eyes out, screaming into a pillow, “why is this so hard?”

It was an ugly cry.

Snot. Choking. All of it.

“If you were going to make me fail,” I cried out, “why didn’t we just skip it? If this is going to be life with you I don’t want it!”

And on, and on, and on.

(And on)

I was talking to God.

(My awareness of boundary and responsibility probably wasn’t ideal)

Everything was… impossible. My best intentions kept getting turned around. Every word skewed or twisted. It was all brutally unfair.

Everything I tried fell apart.

I was failing.

(Again)

I think a lot of people - high, middle, and low - maybe have a talk (talks) with God like this across seasons of well intentioned service.

It can be really hard.

And there is precedent.

‭‭Numbers‬ ‭11:14-15‬

“I can’t carry all these people by myself! The load is far too heavy! If this is how you intend to treat me, just go ahead and kill me. Do me a favor and spare me this misery!””

That’s Moses.

1 Kings 19:4-5

Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.”

That’s Elijah.

Matthew 26:39

He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

That’s Jesus.

Now, to be fair…

Moses was leading a nation of millions in the desert, Elijah had just called fire from the sky, and Jesus was about to do the most perfect thing ever done…

…and I was mostly upset because a few people didn’t like me.

(Shrug)

So, admittedly, different.

But it was a hard day.

And I needed space to complain and I’m pretty sure God’s good with it.

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A bit of context is probably valuable.

At this time (10 AM) on this day (Thursday) I was in Orange County California.

I was there for a Celebrate Recovery conference.¹

I was there as a Pastor, and we had a team of about 30 from Venture Church.

I was there as a State Representative of the Celebrate Recovery national ministry, a role in which I oversaw the 10 odd Celebrate Recovery ministries and ministers of Snohomish and King Counties.

I was even there as the overseeing administrator for several states worth of such Celebrate Recovery State Representatives… my responsibilities stacked like little Russian dolls.

I had a lot of hats.

(I’d been collecting them)

(I needed to stop)

I wasn’t wearing any of them.

I wasn’t even at the conference.

I was in the hotel.

Alone.

Sobbing.

(Ugly cry)

So that.

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I found leadership early in my walk.

I had a very hard time with it. Probably exactly equal to and opposite of how well I seemed to do with it.

I didn’t know, see, or understand just how badly my desire to ‘do right’ and ‘be good’ in the eyes of others had gotten mixed up with just… ‘doing right.’

(Not until the pain started)

The ‘gold stars’ I and others gave myself for successfully leading teams, initiatives, and solving problems - and let’s not forget being liked, that cheapest of all addictive drugs - had come into conflict with my willingness to to see, hear, and follow my heart.

Don’t get me wrong. I meant really well. That was part of the problem.

I was trying way too hard.

Doing well and doing what I was supposed to do had gotten all confused. Fear of the people I was supposed to lead had me upside down and I couldn’t hear a thing God had to say.

“How can I do this?!” I vomited, “It’s not fair! It’s impossible! Why is it so hard?!” I cried, and on, and on.

(And on)

A little whisper… God seems to say, “What if your definition of success isn’t mine?’

“…what?”

Silence.

That was a really good question.

So I paused a moment… and sobbed all the harder.

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A short story:

God: What is ministry success… that people trust you or that people trust me?
Me: …you.
God: What is ministry success… that people trust me or that you trust me?
Me: Is that a trick question?
Silence.
Me: …people?
Silence.
God: You sure about that last bit?

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What I am doing in my life is that I am trying to follow Jesus.

That’s it.

I have a lot more to say about that but at heart I see it as pretty simple,² Jesus was perfectly motivated by the love of God and the love of others³ and that’s my job too.

Matthew 22:36-40

“Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

I’m just not very good at it.

There’s always a next thing.

Realizing in new ways how I’m not already doing it… all the time. Which is a good thing. Maybe the best thing.

Because realizing how to take that step forward is how I go a step further.

But that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Maybe more so, if anything.

This was a moment in which I realized a next thing. That without meaning to I’d made things that were supposed to be about God, about me. That ‘loving others’ was maybe confusing for me because I wanted to make that ‘keeping others happy.’

That wasn’t the job.

God called me on it.

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This was a moment of total failure.⁴

Something in me died.

(It needed to)

There are games we only win when we stop playing… and I’d been playing Church.

A version of that sad game in which well meaning pastors and leaders can lose the thread of the story when they start to cater to the opinions of the people they serve rather than the convictions of their hearts.

(That was me)

The fear of people in the service of God is a dangerous thing. It asks for compromise where we are called to boundary.

(I did that)

(I didn’t mean to)

We can’t do that.

(Not and be who we think we are)

We can succeed in the eyes of others when we do do that, and that makes it dangerous. Because sure, you can grow something, build something. That doesn’t mean it will be healthy.

(Cancers grow marvelously)

I think it’s an incredibly important distinction, the ‘why’ of serving people.

Don’t you?

Tell me, if we serve people to better ourselves, who are we really serving?

Isn’t that just serving ourselves?

If in serving God we concern ourselves more with the opinions of others than our own heart for God, what exactly do we have to offer those we serve?

How crushingly sad that would have been had God not brought that to my attention?

This was the moment that ministry as I understand it today got started.

Because if God is God then the people aren’t mine.

The numbers aren’t mine.

The outcomes aren’t mine.

That’s all His.

(Boom)

First principles⁵ are breathtaking when applied with rigor.

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All scripture referenced is NLT unless otherwise noted. I prefer NLT for postural discussion as it is both reasonably rigorous while retaining a conversational tone.

For study I strongly encourage the use of original language tools, multiple translations, and rigorous critical thought.

Please remember that when you read the Bible in English you are always reading someone else’s theological interpretation of the text.

1. I like Celebrate Recovery the tool. Like any other tool, what matters is why and how you would use it.

Celebrate Recovery as used by a willing person to seek humility, deal with junk, and get closer to God and others is awesome.

Celebrate Recovery conferences as attended by that same person in asking, ‘is this for me?’ or, ‘what’s next God?’ or, ‘me God?’ are amazing things. I’ve witnessed miracles of life transformation.

Celebrate Recovery conferences as attended by a participant in the culture of Celebrate Recovery, within the leadership structure and programs… to go and be a part of and serve that… with the given microcosms of pageantry, politics, and small pond notoriety that the ministry comes with… gets a big ‘no thanks’ from me.

With that said… I’ve seen God do some amazing things at those conferences. He seems perfectly willing to show up on the sharp edge of everyone’s expectations and issues, known and unknown, and get right to work.

In all honesty I see this as the same as the same as the rest of the Church. Or my living room. Or yours.

God is working where his people are willing.

2. Simple and easy are NOT the same thing.

3. He said it and He proved it. The cross is (among many other things) the perfect synthesis of the motives of the love of God and the love of others. Regardless of what one thinks of the divinity or historicity of the person of Christ there is a fascinating conversation to be had here from first principles… to pretty much any depth one could want. I strongly recommend it.

4. Check out the book ‘Fail’ by J.R. Briggs. It’s a remarkable discussion about failure in the context of ministry and everyone who has wrestled here could find it of value. I recommend it to anyone who has held ministry as a motive and found any level of disappointment. Thanks J.R. Buy it here.

5. A first principle is a basic proposition or assumption that cannot be deduced from any other proposition or assumption.