Medium of courage
Why being afraid of everything isn't the worst thing and what that means for us all
I have always been afraid.
I cannot remember a time I was not.
I don’t think I understood this until recently. If one had asked me I wouldn’t have been able to identify it and I certainly wouldn’t have understood it wasn’t normal.
It was my medium.
I was a fish… and the wetness of the water was a mystery to me.
Looking back now I understand a lot of things about myself that I just couldn’t see until it all connected.
All the struggles.
Drugs.
Relationships.
Food.
Control.
Jealousy.
Everything.
I wanted out of the medium.
I wanted to feel not frightened.
Each thing… just led to another.
How I would speak to a person. How I would speak to a group of persons. How I would think about how I spoke to those persons or groups of persons for hours or days afterwards. How I would think about thinking about that and want to stop.
How I would relate that back to my heart to know God and see my own insolvency.
There’s no way to explain it except to say it. Fear was my medium.
And that bothered me.
Because it’s hard.
Because I can tell myself a story that I should be different. Other. Better.
But I realized something.
When fear is your medium every step is courage.
Has to be.
Courage gets misunderstood quite a bit. I think most folks have a sense that ‘courage’ is evidenced by the person that doesn’t know fear… and that’s not at all what it means.
(That’s ‘fearless’)
Courage:
The ability to do something that frightens one.
"she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"Strength in the face of pain or grief.
"he fought his illness with great courage"
That means that the most courageous person you know… is probably the most frightened one.
Think about that. Please.
That also means that the most courageous person who anyone has ever known, by any reasonable definition, would have to have known some of the most incredible fear anyone has ever felt.
The worst.
This amazes me.
The person of Jesus is the best possible example I can think of.
Far from being fearless, He gives us as an incredible gift in showing us what courage looks like.
The physician Luke depicted Jesus in his gospel as being so afraid that he sweat blood.
That’s a thing.
Luke 22:44
He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.
There’s a medical term for a state in which a person will sweat blood. It is called hematidrosis.
Hematidrosis is an extremely rare medical condition that is most commonly associated with battlefield anxiety or prisoners awaiting execution.1
The number of cases in the last century is just a handful2 and the general consensus of the mechanic is hemorrhage caused by an overcharged fight or flight system under extreme duress.
“Severe mental anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system to invoke the stress- Fight-or-flight response to such a degree as to cause hemorrhage of the vessels supplying the sweat glands.” 3
This is not what one expects of the hero of a story.
To have this narrative present in the proclamation of the early Christian Gospel was incredibly at odds with the culture. The standard tropes of ‘heroic narrative’ which dominated even more so then than they do today… held it as being much more the thing for fearless heroes to be doing epic things of great and obvious import.
Not so much the story of a terrified man that goes to His death.
Let alone one so afraid He would sweat blood.
I think this is worth noting.
A difference that is a gift to you and me, here and now, if we’ll take it.
(Yes please)
I think, in part, this is to teach us what we are to do in the face of fear.
I think we’re supposed to see that Jesus made a choice.
To chose courage.
To keep moving.
Can we think about that for a second?
That choice?
Because He knew.
The night before, enough to sweat blood, He knew.
The years before, enough to tell His friends and followers what would come, He knew.
Think about the anticipation. What anticipation can do in the space of our fear… and then consider… just how long He knew.
He knew for a long time.
Years. Five? Ten?
Adulthood?
Childhood?
Always?
How large might that fear have been?
How real must this have been for Him, rooted in ‘true’ knowing like you and I have maybe never known… all of our available self assurances to not worry, that we might be imagining things… just not avaliable.
This was truth.
The purpose and finishing touch of His entire journey.
And He knew.
Even when He wasn’t telling people He was telling them.
This was part of who and what He was.
Matthew 16:24-26
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?
Consider for a moment the fact that as He said that, He knew.
It wasn’t a metaphor.
He.
Knew.
And He was teaching on it ahead of time.
(Mind blown)
In my own life fear is almost always worse than the actuality. Given years of knowledge, is it possible this was true for Him as well?
Can we ask that?
How great a gift were we given?
John 19:30
…He said, “It is finished!” Then He bowed his head and gave up His spirit.
Read that again.
And maybe ask yourself… just how long had He actually been waiting? What did He actually express here?
Just how many times did He pay the toll ahead of it?
Just how high was that cost?
I try to be a very courageous person.
I have to.
Because fear is an ever present invitation.
I usually have little to no reason to be afraid, and I know it. That makes it harder for me, not easier. An open door to shame, the thought that lacking basis my feelings are somehow less real, less important.
A little whisper in my ear from a voice that is not my friend, though it pretends to be, “This is silly… you’ll look weak… you’re ridiculous,” …so the narrative goes. Fear and shame beckoning in unison, some sort of unholy cocktail.
The fight for courage starts right there.
To have humility.
To admit that I’m afraid.
To ask for help.
To face the thing that may not even be there.
That’s the reality of me.
I have to be courageous.
To say the thing, write the thing, ask the question, have the conflict... I have to be.
The same probably goes for you too.
And if you don’t deal with fear much? If that’s not you?
That’s okay.
You can still be fearless.
It’s just courage that isn’t really an option.
(Shrug)
Courage is reserved for the fearful.
All scripture referenced is NLT unless otherwise noted. I prefer NLT for postural discussion as it is both reasonably rigorous while retaining a conversational tone.
For study I strongly encourage the use of original language tools, multiple translations, and rigorous critical thought.
Please remember that when you read the Bible in English you are always reading someone else’s theological interpretation of the text.
Jerajani, H. R.; Jaju, Bhagyashri; Phiske, M. M.; Lade, Nitin (2009). "Hematohidrosis – A rare clinical phenomenon". Indian Journal of Dermatology.
Various. Hematidrosis. Wikipedia.
Interesting . . . I read this and then contemplated the theme in scripture of 'Fear of the Lord.' That's humbling and scary. Then I pondered if Jesus, in the garden and in his life, was more fearful of his fleshly future (torture and physical death) or more fearful of the spiritual separation (why have You forsaken me).
Hmmmm, I don't know.
Never considered this before.
Diving deeper now.
And . . . btw . . . I love your writing style. Because I know you, I can see your expressions in your choice of cadence, style, and rhythm. It's fun and connective.